I had a different article planned for today, but a couple of things have happened in the last couple of days that hit home and I wanted to write about these.

Michelle Carter was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter in the suicide of her friend, Conrad Roy III. He had made attempts previously and this final one involved asphyxiating himself with carbon monoxide in his car. Part way through the attempt, he became scared and got out of the car. He called Michelle for reassurance. According to the prosecutors, she “ordered him back in and then listened for 20 minutes as he cried in pain, took his last breath, and then died.”

Warrior 365, a vet with PTSD, tried to suicide on Thursday. Fortunately, she didn’t succeed. She was using the same method as Conrad Roy. The difference? Her choice of who to make final contact with. She texted an ex-Sergeant Major, because she didn’t want to be alone at the end. She called someone, who called someone, who called the police, who arrived on the scene and saved her.

There a few takeaways for me from these two stories.

Peer Support Works

Reaching out to someone makes a difference for a suicidal person. Even better if that person is a supporter and a peer.

And sometimes you don’t even have to reach out. Somebody checks on you at exactly the right moment. One of the first stories that Fred Doucette shares in Better Off Dead is about a vet who was interrupted at the last moment. Ted had been suicidal all day, had tried to get help, but wasn’t successful. Late at night, he formulated a plan and left home. At his destination, he was about to suicide, when his cell phone rang.

The ringing was so loud it snapped him out of his trance and he automatically answered it.

“Honey, where are you? I got up to go to the bathroom and you’re not in the house…what’s going on?”

“Nothing, dear. I just needed some fresh air. I’ll be home in a minute.” Her call had broken the trance. All it took was for someone to show they care about him. (p. 2-3)

There were no magic words, but there was some luck as was the case with Warrior 365.

To be clear, not all suicide attempts happen this way. Jamie MacWhirter’s attempt was spontaneous and involved pills. Roméo Dallaire made multiple attempts, one involved pills and another with a knife. Joshua Wood stepped in front of a train.

The Bridge Between Life and Death

Sergeant Kevin Briggs of the California Highway Patrol has encountered suicidal folks many times on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. In his TED talk, he said, “In my experience, it’s not just the talking that you do, but the listening. Listen to understand. Don’t argue, blame, or tell the person you know how they feel, because you probably don’t. By just being there, you may just be the turning point that they need.”

I highly recommend his talk for those who are just learning about suicide for his insights, for experienced supporters for reminders of our transformative power, and for people contemplating suicide for the encouragement to go on.

For Supporters: Words to Say

Michelle Carter’s lawyers tried to argue that she was trying to be supportive of Conrad Roy in his desire to suicide. Maybe it’s just me, but I think peer supporters should be trying to keep people alive. I’ve never met Warrior 365, but I adore her writing.  A world without her would be a lesser place.

For Ted’s wife and the Sgt Major, it just involved paying attention and good timing. Other situations may require more skills and resources. In high school, I got a friend to go see a guidance counselor right away. I know of multiple cases where the supporter sat with a peer through the night to make sure that they saw morning. I’m not sure I could do this.

Mental Health First Aid is a course developed by the Mental Health Commission of Canada and is helpful for a range of psychological crises. There is a version specifically for the Veterans Community.

Courses specifically on suicide prevention include safeTALK, MANERS Psychological First Aid, and Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST). These courses are widely available and the LivingWorks website and the Tema Conter Foundation can help you locate an offering.

Here are some common suggestions from these courses and suicide prevention websites.

1. Warning signs for suicide. The warning signs are there well in advance and right up to the end. Hopelessness. Helplessness. Loss of interest in daily activities, such as work and school. Giving away possessions. Setting affairs in order. Saying final goodbyes.
2. Name suicide as a risk. Contrary to folk wisdom, this does not encourage suicide. By the time you bring it up, the thought has crossed their mind many times. If they haven’t thought of it, then no hard, no foul. Some words to say are, “Others in similar circumstances have thought about ending their life. Have you had these thoughts?” Don’t say that you know how they feel.
3. Interrupt the plan. Find out what is his or her plan to suicide, if there is one. For both Warrior 365 and Conrad Roy, they made preparations in advance. They were not spontaneous acts. Find out 1) how they will suicide, 2) when they plan to do it, and 3) their intention. Whatever they are planning to use, take it away. Roméo Dallaire stopped keeping his guns at home.
4. Get help. Suicidality is not resolved overnight. Today’s crisis will pass, but there is still more work to be done. As a peer supporter, you can’t do this alone. You’ll wear out, experience compassion fatigue, and possibly be traumatized yourself. Save your effort for what you do best- being a peer support who offers hope, a compassionate ear, and a beacon for a positive outcome.

For Peers: You are Not Alone

If you are thinking of suicide, please know that you are not alone. There’s help available, both formally and informally. I’ll list them here in order of urgency. If the need is urgent, call 911.

There are hotlines from VAC (1-800-268-7708), the Tema Conter Peer Assistance Line (1-888-288-8036), and countless regional suicide prevention hotlines.

If you just want a friendly ear, there are groups on Facebook such as Send Up the Count and regional CBG Veterans Well Being Networks. Membership in these groups requires approval by the admins, so it takes a bit of time.

Look after each other. Let’s hope the week coming up is an easier one.

I’m sure I missed many resources for training and suicide prevention. What should I add to these suggestions?

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